| I'm pretty sick of my moronic ex running his mouth about how I'm psychotic trying to make me out to be the bad guy when I did nothing wrong. This is his pathetic attempt to maintain control of me. Well listen asshole, it's not going to work, and I refuse to have you ruin my life for one more minute. It is time that I take my life back and become a survivor or domestic violence rather than a victim. I'm no longer going to let what he says or does control me; I allowed that for nearly two years. I'm better than that and I'm stronger than that. He will always be who he is. I am not the first woman he was abusive to and I am sure I will not be the last. Before I tell my story I just want to give a little background on domestic violence and the characteristics of batterers. Many people have the misconception that a batterer is someone that beats their victim but that is not always the case. Anyone that uses any form of abuse to control their partner is a batterer. Below is some information I got from www.everywomanshouse.org ..> Characteristics of Abusive Men..> Control..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" | | The "overarching behavioral characteristic" achieved with criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty, etc. (see Power & Control Wheel). May deepen over time or escalate if a woman seeks independence (e.g. going to school). | | |
| Entitlement | | The "overarching attitudinal characteristic" of abusive men, a belief in having special rights without responsibilities, justifying unreasonable expectations (e.g., family life must center on his needs). He will feel the wronged party when his needs are not met and justify violence as self-defense. | | |
| Selfishness & Self-centeredness | | An expectation of being the center of attention, having his needs anticipated. May not support or listen to others. | | |
| Superiority | | Contempt for woman as stupid, unworthy, a sex object or as a house keeper. | | |
| Possessiveness | | Seeing a woman and his children as property. | | |
| Confusing Love & Abuse | | Explaining violence as an expression of his deep love. | |
| Manipulativeness | | A tactic of confusion, distortion and lies. May project image of himself as good, and portray the woman as crazy or abusive. | | |
| Contradictory Statements & Behaviors | | Saying one thing and doing another, such as being publicly critical of men who abuse women. | | |
| Externalization of Responsibility | | Shifting blame for his actions and their effects to others, especially the woman, or to external factors such as job stress. | | |
| Denial, Minimization, & Victim Blaming | | Refusing to acknowledge abusive behavior (e.g. she fell), not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects (e.g., it's just a scratch), blaming the victim (e.g., she drove me to it; she made it up because I have a new girlfriend). | | |
| Serial Battering | | Some men are abusive in relationship after relationship. | ..> | ..>
Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and never physically assault a woman.
The batterer's main goal is to systematically manipulate and control their victim to get them to be and do what they want. The worst part of it is that most batterers are extremely charming and may have everyone convinced that the victim was the problem, not them. They typically act one way with their victim and an entirely different way with others. Because of this Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde scenario, many batterers go unrecognized and the victim is left feeling as though nobody will ever believe her or see the batterer for what he truly is. The criminal justice system failed me, he is guilty and there is solid proof of it but because of my fear of him I didn't testify. It's not a good feeling and yes, I want some vindication but more importantly I want people to know the truth. If there is anything I can do to help stop him from putting another woman through this, I will. I tried to pursue it through the court, but if the court won't listen, maybe someone out there will. I just feel like I need to get all the abuse and all the pain out of me so I can move on with my life. To be honest, I am still ashamed of the things that happened to me and I don't really want everyone knowing such personal things about me. This is something that I feel I have to do for myself and for other women out there who are still suffering the after effects of abuse. If you want to read it, read it but I will warn that there is a lot that most people will not be comfortable knowing. So here it goes…. For a long time, I was in denial that the nearly two years I spent in a relationship with Jeremy was filled with several kinds of abuse. I was in love and ignored all of the signs, I accepted all of the things he did, and I was ashamed to acknowledge or talk about the things he put me through. I foolishly thought that if I loved him more, if I did more for him, or if I complained less that he would treat me differently. I put my heart and soul into that relationship, and it was all for nothing. I knew for a long time that things would only get worse but I had invested so much in the relationship that I felt that if I ended it, I would be losing everything. It took Jeremy making a threatening phone call to finally force me to face the fact that something was severely wrong with our relationship and seek an emergency 209A. Now that I have had time to separate myself from the situation I am able to look back and recognize all of the abuse I suffered. During our time together Jeremy was verbally, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and financially abusive. Most of the problems began when we moved in together. He was living with his aunt and uncle and told me that he was being kicked out, had no place to go, and could only afford two-hundred dollars a month. He used guilt and manipulation to coerce me into allowing him to contribute such a ridiculously small amount to the household. He would say things like 'I don't have any place to go' and 'at least you have a family' to pressure me to agree to move in together. He would continually remind me that his mother had committed suicide and his father had become an unemployed crack addict after her death, to further sway my decision. Out of guilt, I agreed and things only became worse from there.
He would tell me he could not afford to contribute any more to the household expenses but would go out to bars and clubs every weekend, sometimes more, spending his money on alcohol. He also bought two-thousand dollar rims for his SUV, claiming that he "needed" them. Around November of 2006 he began taking oral steroids. He would order them in powder form from internet sites. He would spend two to three hundred dollars per order on the steroids as well as stimulants and other supplements used by weight lifters. I would question how he could afford to spend this money on drugs yet could not afford to give me more money for household expenses. He again would claim that he needed these things. At some point, he started using injectable steroids. He bought oils and solvents and would "brew" his own steroids using the powders that he had had. I would tell him that I didn't like him doing steroids and that I was worried about him. He would simply ignore my concerns and say things like 'I'm a chemist; I know what I'm doing'. Even though he knew I wasn't happy with him doing this, he would cap and brew his steroids in front of me. He would also inject himself with steroids in front of me on a regular basis. He sold steroids to an 18-year-old kid he worked with and taught him how to inject. He even sent this kid to our apartment one day so he could have a private place to do steroids. I should never have had to be put in that position.
In addition to the financial issues his steroid use caused, he also began to have increasingly violent mood swings. It finally got to the point that during arguments he would raise his hand to me and tell me that I 'deserve to be hit'. At the end of August we had gotten in yet another fight and were in the middle of talking and trying to work things out. As usual, everyone and everything else was more important to him so he left in the middle of our discussion to go have dinner with his "friend", Mallory, at her family's restaurant. As I sat there not believing that he really cared so little about me that he could just leave like that, I finally got enough courage up to end our relationship. I was fed up, I paid for everything and did everything for the house and I was sick of being disrespected and walked all over. So I got my ass on mapquest got the directions and went to restaurant. I asked for his set of keys to the apartment and I was surprisingly calm about it, even Mallory noticed that. Although I remained calm, he became increasingly confrontational. Mallory and her family left and it was just me and him in the parking lot. Again I got weak and started feeling like I wasn't ready to "lose" him yet. I basically was confused and fluctuating between wanting the keys and wanting him to come home with me. He refused to do either. I wasn't taking no for an answer and we continued to argue until it got to the point that Jeremy grabbed me by both arms as we were arguing. The police eventually came to the parking lot to see what was happening. At that point the cops were able to convince Jeremy to voluntarily give me his keys. Because he had now put his hands on me, I was unsure what he might do and asked his brother Timmy, who was also living with us to give me his keys as well until things calmed down. The following day I went to visit my parents and began receiving calls from Jeremy and his brother threatening to break down the door if I didn't get there immediately to let them in. I tried to explain to them that I was in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Marion and it would take me a while to get to the apartment. Despite this information, they began threatening to break down the door with an ice pick if I didn't arrive immediately. Jeremy left a voicemail saying something like "I'll whoop your fucking ass", all because I couldn't be there on the drop of a dime. Not to mention I had already put several sets of clothes, toiletries, and shoes in the hall for both of them as well as Jeremy's beloved gym bag. I now realize that Jeremy wanted to get his steroids so he could have his fix and because he knew my mother had already called the cops to let them know that these two idiots were going to break down the door. My mom and I left her house and headed for the apartment to let them get the rest of the things they needed until things could calm down and we could figure out what the living arrangement would be. When we got to the apartment the door to the apartment had already been broken. It speaks loudly to the integrity and character of the family that neither of them could wait twenty minutes to be let in. Both of them and their father have extremely violent and explosive tempers. After this argument Jeremy ended up moving back in and we kind of tried to work things out. Eventually the truth came out that something was going on with him and Mallory and that he was "either going to be with Mallory or be single". Knowing him and knowing that he had started dating me only a month after he had ended his five year relationship with Jeanne I knew he would end up with Mallory. Because he had basically beaten down my self esteem until it was nonexistent I felt like the relationship ending was the end of the world. Batters want it that way, they want their victims to never have the power to leave so that they can be the big men that treat her like shit, break her down until nothing is left, then dispose of her like a piece of trash. Well, he was certainly successful in that. On top of making me feel worthless, he had also isolated me by constantly saying that I couldn't be trusted because I was a girl, never inviting me to go out with him, and never going out with my friends because they were 'lame'. So I was basically left feeling extremely lonely and isolated. I couldn't go out with his friends because I wasn't invited because according to him none of them liked me because I 'caused drama'. I now realize that he likely told them all sorts of horrible lies or distorted views about how I treated them to rationalize why he never invited me out. I was also left feeling like I couldn't go out because he'd think I'd cheat on him and he'd leave me which in my manipulated mind was the worst thing that could happen. So my life consisted of sitting at home on weekends with the cats while he was out partying and most likely cheating on me.
Another thing that really got to me was being exposed to all sorts of drugs because of him. That is not something I chose to be around but I was forced to be because he brought it into my home. He built his own "grow boxes" and got seeds from his friend Dave with plans of growing weed in our apartment. He also somehow got a bunch of valium and another type of prescription drug which he told me he was going to sell. He would spend tons of time researching how to mix his own steroids and how to make other drugs on forums and other websites. After I moved out of our old apartment I deleted his account from my computer. I found tons of spreadsheets detailing what steroids he was buying, what he was paying for them, and what he could sell them for. I also found files on how to make amphetamines and GHB. He said he wanted to take GHB instead of drinking because alcohol has too many calories but it scares the hell out of me that he might use GHB to rape someone or that someone will get hurt by using these home-brewed steroids or other drugs.
His complete lack of consideration for my feelings was a constant. Any time I tried to disagree with him he would negate my concerns, feelings or opinions and tell me that I was being irrational. Over the course of our relationship he said and did things to beat me down emotionally and mentally until I felt so worthless that I would accept anything he did. He had crushed my confidence to the point that I felt nobody else would ever want me and that I deserved to be treated the way he treated me. When I would voice concerns about him going out without me, I would try to have him put himself in my shoes and see how he would feel if I constantly went out drinking and never invited him. In response he would say things like 'I'm a guy, it's different' or 'all girls are hos, they can't be trusted'. His complete lack of respect for women now disgusts me. He would say things like 'I don't even like women but I need sex'. If I did not have sex with him he would say things like 'well I guess I'll just have to pick up some hos then'. He would tell me that his ex never gave him any sex and use that against me by saying 'you're just like that Jeanne'. Other times he would masturbate and ejaculate on me while I was sleeping or start having sex with me while I was sleeping. No women should ever have to wake up and feel used and dirty because of what someone who supposedly loved her did to her. He would ask me to do things such as urinate in his mouth, allow him urinate on me, and to have anal sex. He would pressure me to do these disgusting things by begging, pouting, making me feel guilty, or threatening to leave me for 'another ho'. He would then tell me never to tell anyone that he liked these things.
Even since our relationship has ended he still tries to control me and mess with my head. He tried to have the restraining order I have against him vacated by filing a totally bogus motion. It basically said something to the effect of 'she has contacted me several times, followed me, and put her hands on my current girlfriend. She shows up at places she knows I frequent with restraining order in hand. She is abusing the power of the restraining order to cause me further distress.' Ok first of all, cause him further distress!?! All I can say on that statement is typical batterer turning it around on the victim. I don't know if he truly believes he did nothing wrong because some batterers are that delusional, but that statement is just simply retarded. I have made absolutely no attempt to contact him since the order has been in place. I have not followed him and I have not touched his girlfriend in any way. I have seen him out at Bar 908 twice since the order was issued but it is a public place and I have just as much right to be there as anyone else. The restraining order does not order me to do or not do anything but it does order him to stay 25 yards away from me. It is advisable that I leave the situation but he is required to leave but doesn't until I have a bouncer remove him. Instead of just leaving he has to sit there and have a discussion and makes jokes with the bouncer, saying I'm sure something to the effect of 'that's just my crazy ex, sorry you had to deal with her'. This is yet another ploy to remain in control and deny the abuse to make sure he still looks good and I look bad. I'm not stupid, I know he tries to tear me down and make me out to be some horrible person. When it comes down to it, I know the truth and he knows the truth and one day it will catch up to him. Another way he's tried to stay in control is by making all of the court stuff out to be a big joke. I have been through enough and the last thing I need is to be re-victimized by him because he thinks this whole thing is a joke. He was arrested a while back because he didn't show up for the hearing on the assault and threats to commit a crime charges in Wareham. Instead of taking it seriously he said "haha yeah true story. It's no big deal. The stalker just doesn't want to leave me alone. My lawyer says he's confused how she got the charges against me too. I could press charges back, but I'm not gonna be petty. I just want to be left alone at this point. Oh well. No big deal. Only wasted 1 day of my life. I've got plenty to spare." on a friend's myspace page. I find it completely appalling for him to imply that I have committed any crime against him for which I could be charged when I am the victim. To imply that I am stalking him when I have made no attempt whatsoever to contact him in any way is ludicrous. Somehow, I am not surprised. It is typical for him to turn things around and make it out to be my fault. That was one of the main ways he would manipulate me in our relationship. The fact that he minimizes being arrested for failing to appear at a hearing for an assault charges is unconceivable to me. I in no way consider what he put me through a joke and I resent that he seems to imply that I am petty for having charges brought against him. He couldn't have charges brought against me because I didn't commit any crimes. And I was able to get charges brought against him because he DID commit a crime. The police heard the message he left and said that those charges were appropriate. Just for the record this is what the message said: 'Listen bitch, and listen good, if you come into this house and take things that belong to me there's gonna be hell to pay. If you want to get the cops involved we'll get the fucking cops involved. My shit better be back tonight or you can be expecting a little visit.' Even though the police report states what the message said, sadly, I just wrote that from memory because it plays over and over in my head on a nearly daily basis. Even when he was court ordered to pick up his personal belongings in the restraining order he still had to try to maintain control and have things his way by showing up and hour late. He then proceeded to be extremely rude to me, my family, and the officer that was there. He was yelling, kicking things, and just being generally belligerent. When he kicked my table I asked him not to do that and he said back in a nasty tone 'well I don't see you helping'. Even then he was still trying to guilt me into doing things for him and blame me for his circumstances. His dad was extremely rude as well and yelled at me and my family too. I was really scared at one point, the officer was yelling at Jeremy, his dad was yelling at me, and I really thought for a minute that things were going to get physical between Jeremy and the cop. I looked around and realized there was one cop and four pissed off Drolets and I didn't like the odds knowing how their family is. It finally got to the point that the officer had to call for back up and ask Jeremy to leave and make other arrangements to get his things.
After two years of abuse, when the relationship ended, I felt helpless, hopeless, alone, worthless and like nobody would ever want me. I fell into a deep depression and I tried to commit suicide. I took ten of his valiums and after that I spent a week in the crisis center. God, that is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to say but it feels good to be honest and to let people know how deeply domestic violence can affect its victims. I am embarrassed that I would even consider that over a man but that amount of abuse for that amount of time did have a severe impact on my mental health. It will probably take years before I am fully recovered but I refuse to let him ruin my life. Since then I have struggled with low self esteem, depression, anxiety, nightmares, severe difficulty concentrating, and trouble sleeping. I have talked to a view people that work with domestic violence and from what they say it is quite possible that I might have post traumatic stress disorder. I'm starting counseling again on Monday but this time it's with someone who specializes in PTSD instead of some hippy asking me how everything makes me feel. All I want is to be ok again, to be myself again, to enjoy life again, not to panic every time I see a blue SUV, not to rerun all his demeaning comments in my head, not to have nightmares about blood or about him, not to feel like I am worthless; I WANT MY LIFE BACK! And I'm taking it back. He doesn't control me any more. He doesn't have power over me any more. I hope to hell nobody else ever has to go through this but the sad reality is he's already started grooming Mallory to be his next victim. |
